Eat nothing, weigh nothing.

finally! anyway, whether i join or not i probably won’t eat tomorrow a lot but i realized that fasting honestly doesn’t work for me. Me and my best friend are having a drunken dance party on Friday. We basically get drunk then burn off all the calories by dancing our balls off. what winners. anyways I’m so excited ! :) :) i’ll be going to the gym thursday if i join tomorrow, but if i don’t join then i’ll just do a workout dvd. i hope my mom lets me join planet fitness ): ): / (: (: nervouuusss

I ate so much I don’t even feel like weighing myself but I guess I have to soo…today’s final weight is: 128.2. Not much better. I WILL be 115. I want it. I will run. Tomorrow while I’m waiting for my friend to finish extra help for Spanish ill walk around the school. I’ll try my best to be skinny. I won’t eat a big lunch. No more than 500 calories.

):

so much.

I was with my friend who I met through cheerleading. I would NEVER expect her to have anything wrong with her life, she is honestly perfect. She’s a little heavier than me but she’s soo successful. She goes to the gym, shes a great dancer, a better cheerleader than I am, 4.0 gpa, yadaayadaayaa. So we got into a deeeepp conversation on the swingset, and she told me how she used to be depressed and was on anti-depressants and her boyfriend of 3 years is the one who helped her through it and every time she was going to kill herself he talked her out of it. I was honestly entirely shocked. I told her about how I used to be similar, but not that bad. I told her about my scars from burning myself with the curling iron. Then, I told her about my anorexia. I told her that I was mostly over it, which isn’t entirely true, and she said how she was going to make sure I eat and everything. Now, I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I felt so great at that moment and I know I have a new best friend. Hopefully she lasts forever <3

The real reason I put myself through all this. All the starving, all the teeth whitening and sore teeth, all the OCD face washing, hand scrubbing, teeth brushing, cleaning, all the hiding, all the secret tears, all the stories, all the makeup, all the money spent on shoes and clothes, is because of a fear. A fear of losing. A fear of not being the best. A fear of being replaced, of not being noticed. I want to be the best. I want to be the skinniest, the prettiest, the classiest, the most perfect, the one people like. I can’t be second best. I never ever ever thought I would say this, but now that I have a boyfriend, I’m scared that his ex had skinnier legs than I do. I’m scared that she might have better teeth or be a better kisser than I am. Her hair was blonder, her legs were skinnier, she was more perfect. What if he changes his mind? The idea terrifies me. Please help.

im sooo close to one of my goals of 120. 

i’m around there.

(Source: eatingdisordergirl)